Welcome To Briargrove Estates

Hello neighbor, and welcome to Briargrove Estates!

In order to smooth your transition into our community, we’ve laid out some of the finer points of life here in “The Grove”. (I’m kidding, no one calls it that.)

First, the basics: Holidays are a special time here at Briargrove, and we like to celebrate as a community!

On Easter, I (Morty Shelden) organize a neighborhood Easter egg hunt. I know what you’re thinking: what does a Jew know about Easter? Well, Mr. Anti-Semite (kidding!), I’ll have you know that I played the Easter Bunny at the Glen Mills Mall from 1992-1994, and again in 1998. Well, when the ladies in the neighborhood association heard that, you can imagine their excitement. I try my best to reward them each April, as my enthusiasm belies my disbelief in your savior.

On Halloween, we instruct each family to remain within the confines of Briargrove Estates, and we seal all entrances and exits, so as to keep outsiders where they belong—out. But in our cloister, the treating is simply the best! (You may know it as trick-or-treating, but we removed the “trick-or” part in 1999, after the residents’ organization banned tricks, on Halloween and all other days.) Mr. Purt—who should be coming over shortly to introduce himself—usually erects a haunted house each year, and the kids all think it’s the spookiest! The Creepy Cabin (what he calls the haunted house) has been gone for a few years—some sort of police investigation—but I’m glad to tell you that, as of October 2010, it’s back, as is Grabby the Ghoul (really Mr. Purt in a ghoul mask)!

Finally, on Christmas, we like to synchronize our displays, so as to be tasteful, yet festive. Mr. Robertson is in charge of the lighting initiative, and, despite an unfortunate fall, back in ‘07, he continues to roll through his duties (literally!) every winter. And there’s no need to drive to the mall to see Santa Claus anymore—Briargrove Estates has its very own! His name is actually Martin Petersen, but he has a big white beard, is morbidly obese, and wears red and white all year round! Old Mr. Petersen is very committed, nothing like those silly “mall-santas.” Why, on Christmas Eve, look out your windows and you might just see “Santa” lurking around your house with a burlap sack in hand! But, true to character, he’ll only come if he thinks you’re asleep—so you’ll have to turn off the lights and be quiet if you want a glimpse at old St. Nick.

Now that you’re familiar with us, I must inform you of a few of our community’s more colorful caveats.

First, trash pick-up is on Tuesday, rather than Monday—when the rest of the city’s garbage is removed.

Second, you’ve probably noticed the community pool. While all residents are encouraged to enjoy the pool at their leisure, we must insist that you observe the posted pool hours of 10 AM to 10 PM.

Lastly, it should be noted that Briargrove Estates was built upon a graveyard for the patients of Briargrove Asylum. As the asylum was in operation from 1859 to 1911, the methods of treatment used there were often crude and (by today’s standards, anyway) inhumane. Restraint, cold plunge baths, intimidation and blood-letting were all standard practice at Briargrove—and, as a result, these spirits are understandably perturbed. You may notice that, unlike the walls at your previous home, the walls in your new home will occasionally bleed. This is no great cause for concern, but you may want to invest in a Swiffer. If a book flies across the room, just duck and say something soothing like, “its okay, I’m not here to hurt you,” something like that.

Oh, and you may be scratched.

At any rate, I’m sure that these will be negligible hiccups in your otherwise sunny new life with us. (Which reminds me, one of the ghosts seems to have an incurable case of the hiccups.) Once again, we look forward to your addition to the community, and welcome to Briargrove Estates!

Morty Shelden