The Brash Rich Kid's Guide To Surviving A Horror Film

All right guys, here’s the situation: Our truck broke down on our way to the remote cabin. I know, drag.

Luckily, we found another remote cabin just a few miles away. We found some human limbs floating around the creek that runs behind the cabin, but it should be cool. We came here to do some carefree underage drinking and sexing, and no engine trouble is going to stop us now. Nonetheless, this smacks of a horror movie all over, so let’s get organized.

First of all, we should split up. Like the old saying goes, ‘united we fall.’ Okay, so I’ll be perpetually cocky and indignant, even when one of you is hacked to bits by some mysterious something. My function is basically to taunt fate and heckle you whenever you are frightened, no matter how justified your fear may be. Slutty girl—yeah, you—you get naked at inexplicable times, but—and this is a firm rule—T&A only. We’re still gunning for the ‘R’ rating, here people, so I don’t want to see so much as a single rogue pubic hair.

I’ll bury you in double entendre, which you’ll like, because you’re the slutty girl, and then we’ll go have sex somewhere. Sound good? Good.

Okay, you—more reserved but still kind of slutty girl. You stick with the timid but handsome guy. Eventually, I’ll need you to go off alone to some seemingly peaceful place, where timid handsome guy confesses his love for you. Shortly thereafter, your new love will be put to the test, when some sort of maniac emerges from the woods with a machete and a Richard Nixon mask. That won’t be a problem, though, because timid handsome guy is unbelievably cool under pressure.

After a few of these creepy run-ins, I’ll get fed up and grab my father’s gun that timid handsome guy didn’t want me to bring in the first place. I’ll burst forth from the cabin, screaming at whoever or whatever is tormenting us. Hell, I might even fire some shots into the air, because this symbolizes my descent into a temporary state of madness. You’ll talk me down eventually, but these taunts will have a terrible, deleterious effect on our multi-ethnic camping group.

Which brings me to you, black guy. I’m going to need you to hang out alone a lot, uttering Afro-American colloquialisms that are so out of date, they will sound as though a wealthy, white screenwriter wrote them for you. You’ll be the perfect balance between timid handsome kid and me—brash, wealthy dickhead—until, that is, you are killed, somewhere around 20 minutes into the picture.

Sadly, I’m afraid only three of us will survive—me, timid-handsome-kid and more-reserved-but-still-kind-of-slutty-girl. Through our ordeal though, you two will find true love, and I’ll find a slightly less dickish perspective on life.

Oh, and my deepest condolences to you, black guy, and you, slutty girl.

Okay, if there are no questions, let’s start wandering around these strange woods aimlessly.