One: I find that t-shirts are the least honest of all garments. Whether it’s a morbidly obese woman cruising her Hoveround in a “2 Hot 4 U” shirt, or a crater-faced teenager wearing the “National Pimps Association” shield proudly through the mall, I find myself staring at these screen-printed lies and fighting the urge to scream "Oh, bullshit."
Two: Whenever I meet someone who says, “I’ll try anything once,” I give them instructions to kill and dismember my fictional archenemy, the noble and magnanimous Don Julio Marquez. If they balk at my command, I harangue them for their flimsy life motto.
Three: Never punch a small child, no matter how irritating they may be. Now I know this seems an obvious bit of advice, but trust me, it’s much better to push them down the stairs. Accidents will happen, after all.
Four: When I die, I’d like to be taxidermied in a menacing, upright position and put in a bear's den, for decoration.
Five: One of my hobbies is dressing up in a trench coat and hanging out around the Twilight section of Barnes & Noble with my hands in my pockets—or are they?
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