Bathroom Break

Jason and Dave bristled in their chairs, Jason’s fingers tapping in succession down on the table. Their martinis had gone dry fifteen minutes before, but the girls from Burleson were engaged in that screeching, cackle-laden brand of conversation wont of some girls at that age, and they failed to notice.

Dave thought he heard one of them say she had a fever, but she was just talking about Justin Bieber. He cut a glance at Jason, his eyebrows raised and said, “Well, I’m going to powder my nose.”

Jason leaped from his seat and grabbed his European shoulder pouch. It was not a purse.

Jason made a beeline for the stall, while Dave checked on the thickness of his chinstrap. In the world of chinstraps, after all, vigilance is as necessary as, say, a precision trimmer, or the audacity to go into public with a chinstrap.

From his position in the stall, Jason groaned a horrible, guttural groan. “This is going terribly,” he said, speaking over the Thompson gun discharging beneath him. “A couple of dead fish out there.”

“Yeah,” Dave agreed, pulling a pair of trimmers from his European shoulder pouch, which was in no way a purse. “And did you see that girl’s eyeliner? I didn’t know we were going out with a couple of raccoons.”

“So 2004,” Jason grunted.

The Thompson gun started up again and then cut off abruptly. It was jammed, maybe. Then—it sounded like a dying bear. It smelled like a long-dead bear.

“Did you see my girl’s handbag?” Dave said, carefully disposing of rogue stubble. “It’s like, ‘the seventh grade called, it wants its taste in accessories back.’”

“You’re such a bitch,” Jason muttered, his teeth grinding audibly. “I love it, dude.”

“Are you almost done in there?” Dave said.

“Almost,” Jason said cryptically.

Dave unplugged the clippers and wrapped the cord around his hand. From inside the stall, the Thompson gun rattled fiercely for a moment or two before giving way to a Howitzer blast and, finally, silence.

Outside, the girls from Burleson were gone.

“Well,” Dave said, “I feel kind of bad. We were in there for a long time.”

Jason nodded.

“Let’s go get some ice cream!”