Kids These Days

Oh sure, young man, you know it all. I guess you’ve just figured everything out. You know exactly what life has to offer. Yeah, I know. I’ve been there. But let me tell you something: You don’t know a thing.

Life isn’t about Playstation and trying to feel up young women. Those are nice things, sure, but you think that’s what life is? It’s not--and I know, son. I’ve been on this earth for 23 years, and I’ve learned a thing or two. No, no, life isn’t about Full House marathons, or two-for-a dollar tacos, which seems like a great deal until you find a pubic hair. Life is all about candiru fish. Oh, never heard of it, have you? Well, that’s surprising. I imagined Miley might have covered that in one of her songs.

Yeah, of course I’m being facetious you pubescent ignoramus. I wouldn’t know in the first place, and from all I can tell, her subject matter extends about as far as semi-threatening boys in old pickup trucks--so you know they have that ever-so-charming down-home quality to them. But shut up, kid, I’m not done. I’ll leave you plenty of time to get back to that Jonas Brothers concert. And that’s another thing: Back in my day, rock stars had unprotected sex with women of ill repute, and we loved them for it. But that’s beside the point.

Hey, go get me a beer so I can get my thoughts together...

(Several minutes later)

Thanks kid. Anyway—damn, that’s good—you want a beer? You’re 12? Never stopped me, but suit yourself.

Listen here: you don’t know a thing, regardless of what your TAAS test score might have me believe. Have you ever woken up in a gorilla suit, covered in blood? No? Yeah, exactly--you don’t know a thing. Have you ever bought a woman an engagement ring and proposed as part of an elaborate April Fool’s joke? No, that’s not mean—that’s life, kid.

Have you ever spit whiskey at an active member of congress? Ha. Then what do you know? What could you possibly know about life until you’ve been tazed by a Puerto Rican ice-head in a clown suit?

Have you ever written a beautiful script—set onboard an ill-fated steam liner, of a love so strong it transcends all economic and social barriers—only to find out that Titanic came out ten fucking years ago? I didn’t think so. But that’s what life is all about, kid. Well, that, and the candiru fish.

Oh, right, the candiru fish.

If you really want to know what life is all about, consider the candiru fish. It’s a small, parasitic fish native to the Amazon. Anyhow, it’s been known to swim up your urethra when you’re taking a piss. It gets lodged in there—in your pee hole—until a doctor removes it, which sometimes takes surgery. Stop crying—you’re almost a man. Start acting like it.

So you want to know what life is? Life is hanging out in a river, taking a piss, when all of a sudden a fish with spines on its back lodges itself in your urethra. Oh, it’s never happened to me personally, but this guy I know—he had to have surgery, and when they were done with him, it looked like he had a bunch of Slim Jims hanging from his lower torso.

I’m not saying it will happen to you. I’m just saying that it could; and if it doesn’t, something equally bad will happen—the candiru is just a metaphor, you see. It could be an ex-wife who lodges herself in your urethra—or the IRS—or a maybe a pushy 12-year-old. But at some point down the line, you’ll be the candiru fish, willfully swimming up someone else’s urethra. And that, young man, is what living is all about. Do you understand? Good. Now dry those eyes. It’s time for your Little League game.