Excerpts From "The Sexiest Vampire"

Dylan and Maria lay in Maria’s bed talking about nothing in particular. The sun was going down, and Dylan felt hungry for blood. Or Taco Bell, maybe. Maria got up to go to the bathroom, and Dylan feigned sleep. He knew that if he was asleep, he might be allowed to stay the night. Humans, unlike vampires, are hesitant to wake someone when they’re asleep--a charming attribute, Dylan thought.

Behind his closed eyes, he listened as the sink ran, and he went over his game plan. She’d lie down, and maybe try to rile him awake. He’d whimper and sort of roll around a little. Eventually, she’d accept it. Then it would be groping time.

The sink stopped and he let his mouth hang agape just a bit. He tried to pull air through his nasal passages to produce a snoring sound. Through his eyelids, he could see that the sun had almost set.

Dylan heard Maria walk into her room, but she didn’t shut the door. She sat on the bed, and shook him. “Dylan,” she said, whispering at first. “Dylan.”

She shook him harder, but he remained steadfast. “Dylan--,” she finally said. “My Dad said you have to leave.”

Dylan employed phase two, and rolled over gingerly. “What?” he groaned, “Did I fall asleep?”

“I guess,” said Maria. “But, um, aren’t you a vampire?”
“Of course I am,” whimpered Dylan, still holding tight to the plan.
“I thought vampires don’t sleep at night.”
“No, yeah, I know,” Dylan said, sitting up finally. “I just thought...”
“I’ll see you at school tomorrow,” she said, pulling him toward the door.
Dylan wanted to protest, but he couldn’t.
“Man, this is bullshit,” he finally said.
“What?” she said.
“Nothing.”