Reginald Pennyfarthing’s Golden Rules For Elegance, Success, and More Laudanum Than You Could Ever Handle

Vol. 1: Behaviour

1.Remember that being a Dandy, and thereby living a successful (if not always coherent) life, is about superiority. Do not attempt to find commonality with your underlings. Whether a Burger King employee or a savage on the island of Borneo, Reginald Pennyfarthing leaves no doubt as to who is the British gentleman and who is the very dross of society. Perhaps you shouldn’t either.

2.Treat ladies as ladies. Once, I was in a stagecoach passing through the interior of Siam, when I saw a young native woman on the side of the road. She looked rather tired and famished. Naturally, I was disgusted. However, Reginald Pennyfarthing is nothing if not a gentleman. I hit my driver with a crop whip and instructed him to halt. That he did, and for a mere three pence, I allowed the young woman to hold onto the side of our coach for most of the rest of her journey. If she wasn’t so filthy, I rather fancy I could’ve had her in my bedchamber that night. The lesson is, treat a lady like a lady.

3.Naguib Mahfouz, who I’d imagine is some sort of Indian guide, once said, “You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions.” Well, that bit rings nice, but I’m here to tell you it’s utterly untrue. Dandies aren’t dandies because they ask questions; they are dandies because they ridicule those who do. Should you be asked a question to which you don’t have the answer, chuckle in such a condescending way that all those around you will find the asker to be a dullard not fit for your company.

4.There is never a situation ill suited for a drink. A funeral, a baby shower, even an alcoholics anonymous meeting—a true dandy does not turn down a drink, unless, of course, it is offered by an underling, in which case you deride him for whatever swill he is drinking. And then take it.

5.Thou shalt wear a moustache. This is an easy one. Of course, the moustache has gone out of fashion somewhat courtesy of your Cosmopolitans and Men’s Healths of the world, which distribute anti-moustache propaganda like the very Josef Goebbels of facial hair. But this shouldn’t stop you from cultivating your moustache with all the care of a newborn. And despite what women might say, know this: They love the bristly feel of a man’s ‘tache against their face.

Next: Vol. 2: Diet